footprints

when i left the house this morning i felt filled to the brim of summer, sunshine and the looming promises of beaches, afternoons spent in the shade and walks for ice cream. i was going to meet cecile again for lunch as i pondered the following.

one of the omnipresent benefits of my ailment some call small town is that most of the places i feel like going are within walking distance, cecile's school nearing the top of the list.

the promises of warm weather were quickly snatched away as we settled into a spot on the (slightly inferior) bleachers. the matte overcast of the sky depressed me, and the cool breeze accosting my exposed arms didn't help any either. soon lids and other accouterments were blowing lazily away from across the turf and blame turned to me for the climate change.

in waiting for cecile to come fetch me from the front doors i had a too- and not-enough-familiar encounter with someone i really could have done without. i'm tired of those vibes and the allegedly masculine detachment and the glances and the drama that infringes upon too many areas of my life when it feels like it. i just wish that glaring, stubborn cord could have been cut beyond long ago.

side note: sorry, universe. i could have woven some diplomacy into my non-response.

admittedly, i was a bit brought down by such an event (even though it doesn't even qualify as such a noun). cecile noticed this and very kindly let me know i had ten months in total in which to have angst towards that particular past. there are four left and i don't need a number. all i want to do is forget because it didn't mean a single thing. it wasn't worth an infinitesimal word. it just annoys me now.

we exchanged the usual unusual lunch time prose (in which some things i say are often misconstrued as socially inappropriate). we snacked, we pondered, we retold. we parted ways and i headed off in the direction of home.

one of my favourite things about this particular excursion is the walk home. if i go a certain way i get to experience a wide stretch of sidewalk where people have imprinted their shoes into the once-wet concrete. the footprints were still full of rain from the previous night and as i hover my toms atop them and try to match a size the chain link fences and the power lines and the noises of the city disappear.

i don't know why but i seem to think and feel better among the footprints. it may be the lingering presence of those who once made them or a complete placebo effect, but i like it nonetheless.

i hope the promise of summer is made again soon. i don't like the cold and i have plenty of it in my feet as i write (for too many reasons).

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unexpected relevancy

does your friend ever play you a song out of the blue by someone you've never heard of before? does that song become your livelihood because the band unknowingly drew such an accurate sketch of your life? do you ever forget the feeling you had as the lyrics unfolded in your head and you realized they were that one thought you could never process until now?

meet mother mother, because they are that band.

today i went for an honest-to-goodness run for the first time in what felt like forever. it's always best to go when you have company so you don't feel like you're running away and falling apart. admittedly i was a bit out of shape, and soon my breaths felt like my diaphragm was lifted by nail scissors instead of necessity. my company was patient and my muscles were set on reaching the end of the path, so i kept on, and three kilometres later i felt like an old self again.

running is one of those things where the first thought in your mind as you pick it back up is why did i even begin? and the last thought in your mind as you take the last stride, get just past the top of the hill is why did i ever stop?

i think this is one small addiction my brain treats with cool detachment. i feel bound to it by some obligation even though i doubt i qualify as a runner. that may or may not change in the future but i try and remember now and again that i'd like to be better at it.

in case anyone was wondering, yes, we did run through the splash pad and get soaking wet on the way back after we hit the three kilometre mark. and yes it was fun to feel like i was six again.

after the run (and successively, the splash pad), i changed my shirt, piled my hair atop my head and wore my toms for the rest of the day. i haven't had those shoes for long but they're beyond worn in already and wearing them is like getting a hug from a grandparent. comfortable and familiar. it was approaching summer temperatures outside, and that's where we spent the rest of the day - just milling about, walking around, buying snacks, creeping the odd person and laughing when there was nothing and everything to laugh at.

i complain a lot but i really appreciate where i live. i may feel small town now and again but in reality it's actually big enough for a lot of things other places are too small for. and those are things i would miss doing if we moved.

i was in a play on friday night. it was several months and several days in the making all at the same time. there were cheerleading costumes, wigs, separate sets, singing, stage makeup and way too many other things all together paired with lights so bright i wanted to forget who i was. it went over rather hitch-free and i'd almost had a blast despite the stress inflicted by other cast members and a day full of rehearsals and re-blocking and lost props.

i want to be in a play based on this picture. i want to be the person behind and who painted the sign.

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i want to be in an acting crew who travels around and makes a name for themselves and runs the entire show out of an old, fixed-up moving truck we would attack again and again with dry erase markers to emblazon it with quotes as we saw fit.

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i want to look back on my life, my performances, and my actions and know that i didn't make excuses. i want to look back and know i did my best to change a small part of the world.

what do you want? have you acheived it yet?

essentials

moorea seal has a lovely blog from which she runs the 52 lists project. my contributions are usually at least a week behind and on whims, but they are contributions nonetheless.

"three grand essentials in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." -joseph addison

one for one

today i went for a walk to meet cecile and get ice cream after school. it was 11 days since i last saw her - it seems like more than conflicting schedules are at play with the amount we can find time to spend together. i miss her and our mutual obfuscation. (that's right fate, i'm thumbing my nose at you.)

before leaving, i was rather caught up in an art project. did i mention this art project has a deadline? i couldn't seem to transfer my studies to watercolour paper very well and as a result was somewhat frustrated. when i get frustrated i often lose track of time, and that's exactly what ended up happening. i was left with five minutes to get ready to head out, and at that moment my deodorant decided to hide from me. i'm not sure why i so frequently forget to put it on in the mornings like a regular person, but let's face it. i'm not a regular person. and deodorant is not something you should forget.

another five minutes later than i should have, i found it. successively, i flew out the door in a tangle of headphones and hoped that the usual walk would somehow take pity on my tardiness and shorten itself. it didn't. we ended up meeting in the middle.

i hate springtime. the last time cecile and i thumbed our noses at fate, we wore small excuses for shorts and summery tops and enjoyed the july-esque weather. today was a different, colder story, that required long pants and coats. that's too much for may 14th.

let it be known that i didn't mind letting my ankles run free and wild. i now have good reason. say hello to good reason in the form of my second pair of toms. i never thought i'd get into a stream of main such as this, but after wearing and loving them firsthand i see why they're so popular. they come a close second to going barefoot. i love them because i can forget that i'm wearing shoes.

let me see if i can capture their essence within an analogy.

wearing them is comparable to the feeling you get when you listen to mumford & sons. or garrett gardner. or even... no, i could go on an on, but i won't, because it depends on your mood and your definition of voices that will never die.

just know that they're really great shoes, and for those of us geeks out there you can even find some with the periodic table on them. love.

.happy feet.

cliched but true

"absence makes the heart grow fonder". i used to never think i'd believe that until i met certain people and discovered certain things. case in point:

i went to the gym today after an absence of 29 days. yes i counted. why? because not going didn't feel right in all that time; like i was breaking free of some sort of rule or obligation. i was glad to return because the feeling i have post-workout is one obligation i never want to be rid of.

i don't know... i guess i feel useful, comforted, cleansed and closer to achieving my goal, even though i'm really not sure what that is quite yet.

i do exercise against my own wishes because it's better than the alternative. otherwise i feel caged and sluggish and not very productive in all areas of life, not just fitness.

my brother is a good person to be there with. i think he belongs better than i do but i'm learning. while we were waiting to leave we piled our squash rackets in an excessively obvious corner and snuck into the aerobics room. i stood, my muscles tight and quivering, on the balance board and forced my eyes to avoid the mirror so i wouldn't fall. he grabbed a medicine ball and did sit ups while tossing it at me to test my stability as he folded upwards in half.

there's a certain state of being i come across every now and then, at the least expected time. it's when nothing else in the world matters than the task at hand, no matter how long or short, and the only thing you can hear is the blood pounding through your veins. the only thing you see is what's right in front of you and the only thing you feel is your own determination, even if it doesn't make sense.

i came across it today on that balance board. the most important thing i could possibly do was catch that ball without having it knock me to the floor and toss it back to him before i allowed myself to blink. it didn't make sense and i don't understand it now, because for crying out loud, i was only a foot off the ground.

it may not make sense to you, or even to me, all i know is i like that feeling. i like how it detaches me from a certain ailment known as teen angst.

i'm curious to see if the saying i mentioned at the beginning would apply to music. i don't think i could test it on myself though... i don't like to think about what might happen if i were deprived of two door cinema club, lights, the black keys, imagine dragons, mumford & sons, rise against, maroon 5, or even arctic monkeys. that stuff weaves in and out of a part of me, something without a name, and i rely on it. it's my drug. people might say "it's just music and it's all been done before; find someone else". i can't. once i hear a song that affects me, attaches to me, some things just don't sound the same. they don't sound the same ever again. things like that, songs like this, can't be duplicated.

even as i sit here in the dark, with cold hands and listening to sun by tdcc, the keystrokes don't sound the same. it's a completely irrelevant phenomena, because electric guitar sounds nothing like a keyboard.

i'm going to go brew a cup of something hot and enjoy my dependence on these people i will never meet and their talent that keeps me whole.

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