i went to the gym today after an absence of 29 days. yes i counted. why? because not going didn't feel right in all that time; like i was breaking free of some sort of rule or obligation. i was glad to return because the feeling i have post-workout is one obligation i never want to be rid of.
i don't know... i guess i feel useful, comforted, cleansed and closer to achieving my goal, even though i'm really not sure what that is quite yet.
i do exercise against my own wishes because it's better than the alternative. otherwise i feel caged and sluggish and not very productive in all areas of life, not just fitness.
my brother is a good person to be there with. i think he belongs better than i do but i'm learning. while we were waiting to leave we piled our squash rackets in an excessively obvious corner and snuck into the aerobics room. i stood, my muscles tight and quivering, on the balance board and forced my eyes to avoid the mirror so i wouldn't fall. he grabbed a medicine ball and did sit ups while tossing it at me to test my stability as he folded upwards in half.
there's a certain state of being i come across every now and then, at the least expected time. it's when nothing else in the world matters than the task at hand, no matter how long or short, and the only thing you can hear is the blood pounding through your veins. the only thing you see is what's right in front of you and the only thing you feel is your own determination, even if it doesn't make sense.
i came across it today on that balance board. the most important thing i could possibly do was catch that ball without having it knock me to the floor and toss it back to him before i allowed myself to blink. it didn't make sense and i don't understand it now, because for crying out loud, i was only a foot off the ground.
it may not make sense to you, or even to me, all i know is i like that feeling. i like how it detaches me from a certain ailment known as teen angst.
i'm curious to see if the saying i mentioned at the beginning would apply to music. i don't think i could test it on myself though... i don't like to think about what might happen if i were deprived of two door cinema club, lights, the black keys, imagine dragons, mumford & sons, rise against, maroon 5, or even arctic monkeys. that stuff weaves in and out of a part of me, something without a name, and i rely on it. it's my drug. people might say "it's just music and it's all been done before; find someone else". i can't. once i hear a song that affects me, attaches to me, some things just don't sound the same. they don't sound the same ever again. things like that, songs like this, can't be duplicated.
even as i sit here in the dark, with cold hands and listening to sun by tdcc, the keystrokes don't sound the same. it's a completely irrelevant phenomena, because electric guitar sounds nothing like a keyboard.
i'm going to go brew a cup of something hot and enjoy my dependence on these people i will never meet and their talent that keeps me whole.
 |
| source |
No comments:
Post a Comment